Steamroller

Friday, October 17, 2014

Comfortable in my skin.

I am an only child.  I have been at the 'grown up table' for as long as I can remember.  There are few things socially that feel like a 'rite of passage' to me, mostly because I have been doing so many of them for so long.  But last Friday night was one of them.  I attended the Bar Association's Careers of Distinction Dinner, and for a brief moment (ok several brief moments)  I had a "wow" I can't believe I am here feeling.  I kept looking around waiting for someone to hand me something to do, or tell me to clear a table or something... but there I was, at the dinner, as a guest of the dinner.  Shaking hands with judges, and attorneys who have practiced for years.   After, I had the pleasure of attending an 'after party' for one of the honoree's.  It was a little surreal to be a part of, and yet some how cemented in my mind where I want to be in 5 years, in 10 year even. One of the honoree's closed his speech by saying how every morning, he is so greatful to get to wake up and go to work with his partners, the people who he from that first day realized they were guys that not only did he know, but that he truely liked, that he trusted, and that he had fun with.    I want to be that fortunate one day.

I don't know how many of you have ever dined alone.  I can recall the first time I ate at a non-fast food restaurant by myself.  It was when I was 21, infact it was the weekend of my 22nd birthday, I had a wild hair up my ass to pack my bags for a few days and drive from California to Cheyenne Wyoming, just because.    I remember after driving the distance, sitting in my motel room, paging though the yellow pages deciding on what I wanted for dinner.  I selected the nicest looking ad and drove to the white victorian house.  I went in, told them I was a table for one, ordered myself a glass of wine (possibly also the first time I drank wine in a restaurant, rather than a cocktail) and then proceeded to order the escargot, a filet with a side of fetticini Alfredo, and dessert.  Yes.  I ordered dessert.  It was a chocolate souffle.  I remember the meal like it was yesterday.  

For those of you who don't know, I am deathly afraid of snails... (stop laughing.  No really. I'll just wait here a moment for you to get ahold of yourself)  Yes.  Scared shitless of them.  Which is why I ordered them.  It was my way of trying to confront my fear.  They were delicious.  They were also shell free, which has since made me realize it's not the critter inside, it's the shell that vex's me - but enough of the side bar.  My point of this was to face a fear head on, and move past it, which I did.  

Perhaps my 39 year and 26 day self should take a lesson from 21 and 364 day old self... 

Tonight I dined alone.  I should mention, it's not the first time since that night in Wyoming.. there have been numerous dine alone times.  sometimes I have something to read, other times I do not. Tonight I intentionally dined alone, at a favorite Mexican place, in hopes of getting in some quite study time...  While the atmosphere and food were condusive, something captivated me. It was a man, about 3 tables away, late 50's early 60's who came in for a Pacifico, and to do the crossword.  He seemed to know everyone who worked there, chatting and carrying on.  What puzzled me the most, is the restuarant was right next to a bar.  Had he only wanted a beer, they probably would have been a better spot.  None the less, he chose my restaurant, and I chose my time eating to curiously watch him, and try to figure out any and every possible scenario of why he was there.

To which I came upon my answer.  It didn't matter.  He was there by his own free choice, as I was, and he was there, and felt comfortable doing what he was doing, and perhaps he wouldn't have been that comfortable in the bar next door.  Who knows.  Who cares.  It was nice to see someone who was so comfortable with his solo outing.  

To change gears, I have been religiously applying my morning and evening potions to my face for 26 days now.  I do not see a difference.  Perhaps I am not supposed to (yet) but every day when my face hits that point where the skin feels like it's actually moving like tetonic places TOGETHER, mending my wrinkles, I attempt to smile (without disturbing the skin from what ever the fuck it's trying to do) and think to myself.. yes.... you are rewinding time. 

Speaking of skin.  Last week I spray tanned for the first time my life.  What a bizarre experience.  You stand in a plastic tent while someone makes small talk with you and sprays your entire body from tip to toe in a liquid that feels like slightly damp glitter. On the positive, for almost a week, I looked as if I had just returned from a lovely restful vacation.  Now.. I look more like I'm freckled (my bad for being lax with the moisturizer).  But the moral here for me is that as long as I am still feeling slightly vain about my appearance, a shot of damp glitter now and then, may be just what the doctor ordered. 

On Sunday I will be *running* the Nike Half.  If you want to call it *running*  that I suppose is the idea behind a half marathon.  It's not a "hey let's walk past 13 miles of stores and window shop" event, although that I more of my preference. It will be my last 1/2 marathon of my 30's, and I have absolutely zero desire to push myself... to be frank - if someone else wanted to run it and just give me the damn necklace at the end, I would be over whelmingly happy to hand over my bib, and hell, wait for them at the finish line!  I have not yet decided if this Laize Faire take I have currently will cause me regret a few  months from now.  It may.  It may also bitterly bite me in the ass that once again I didn't train, and yet here I am out there giving it a go.  I guess I need to just stop with the worry of 'what if' and focus perhaps on enjoying my Sunday morning Stroll down closed streets in SF.  And next year, since I will be in a new 'age' bracket - try harder for perhaps a PB (personal best) of not just my new age bracket, but all time. (eh, a girl can dream)

I think the thing that scares me the most about this whole aging is that I am starting to realize my brain isn't as quick as it used to be.  When I was a kid, I could watch tv, listen to the radio, study for class, and talk on the phone all at the same time, and somehow magically retain all of it.   Now I sit in a silent room, staring at a book with sound canceling headphones, a lap top, a note book, a high lighter and a pencil at the ready, and 5 pages in I'm like.. what the fuck did I just read?    My mind wanders.  I used to joke that my mind was too little to wander off alone... now I think it may be too old.  

and with that, I am going to try to corral my mind and get back to studying! 


1 comment:

  1. I love that you dined alone. And, I think you're right--we all kind of remember that first time dining alone! And, the biggest shock of it, for me, was--Wow...this is lovely...relaxing...and completely enjoyable. Good luck on the Nike half!! Above all else--have fun! :)

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